Thursday, December 23, 2010

Fabulous Martha

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
 [ca. 1996-1997]

     December 1    
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. 
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
     December 2    
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message
 for answering machine.
     December 3    
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, 
fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
     December 4    
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, 
so that they're all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs. 
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
     December 5    
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
     December 6    
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
     December 7    
Debug Windows '95
     December 8    
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with
beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
     December 9    
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony 
and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. 
Mail to all my friends and loved ones.
     December 10    
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
     December 11     
Lay Faberge egg.
     December 12    
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself.
Open for neighborhood children's use.
Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.
     December 13     
Collect Dentures. 
They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
     December 14    
 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
     December 15    
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" 
in case tires are shot out at mall.
     December 17    
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
     December 19    
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
     December 20     
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
     December 21     
Drain city reservoir; 
refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
     December 22    
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
     December 23    
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
     December 24     
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,
 thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
     December 25    
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
     December 26    
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
     December 27    
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
     December 28     
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
     December 29    
Hand sew 365 quilts, 
each using 365 material squares I weaved myself 
used to represent the 365 days of the year. 
Donate to local orphanages.
     December 30    
Release flock of white doves,
each individually decorated with olive branches,
to signify desire of world peace.
     December 31    
New Year's Eve!
Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world
as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
January 1  
Catch up on gardening. 
Sew leaves back on trees.

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